I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Randomize
