Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
