Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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