I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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