lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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