remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
