I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
