fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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