i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
