The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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