a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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