Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
