Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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