Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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