I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
