I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
