Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
