My friends, they love my intelligence
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
