My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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