I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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