just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
