Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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