Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
