I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Randomize
