i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
