She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
