if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
