its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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