I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
