He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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