eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
