i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
