are you still at the devil's house?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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