He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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