I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
