Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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