The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I posted her number in the m4m casual encounters area of Craigslist.
I guess her always saying "gay men love me!" will finally get put to the test.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
