Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
