what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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