I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
