I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
