is your mom at the bar?
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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