at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Randomize
