see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
