Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
