I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
