On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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