I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
