i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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