dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
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She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
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He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".