FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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