did you get engaged???
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
