Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
