plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
