I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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