Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
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