I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
