One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Randomize
