I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Vodka?
Forever.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
