I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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