i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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