Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
