just tell him i said nine months
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
