Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
