Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
