nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
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