At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
